Oxymoron of the Day: Fragile Strength

Fragile (per dictionary):
1. easily broken, shattered, or damaged; delicate; brittle; frail
2. vulnerably delicate
3. lacking in substance or force

Sometimes God is like a broken record. He gets a message in his head for me and then he repeats it incessantly. In the past couple of months, no less than a half-dozen friends & colleagues have used the word "fragile" in reference to...me.

Me?

Rhonda Rogers Crawford is NOT fragile. Ask anyone who has known me longer than 10 minutes. I'm a strong and confident mother, wife, friend, nurse. Friends & family lean on me. I am woman, hear me roar. Get the picture?

Words like damaged, shattered, feeble, imperfect, weak, delicate, etc., simply do NOT gel with my self-image. Vulnerable? Never.

Yet God's voice spoken clearly through my family members, friends, co-workers, physicians..."you look so fragile"..."take it easy, you're in fragile health"..."feeling okay? you seem fragile." What in the world IS all this crazy talk?!?!

These past few weeks (really a little over 2 months), I have been battling a serious sinus infection that took on a mind of its own and had aspirations of becoming a voice-robbing, lung-infesting, cough-inducing serious lung infection. Three antibiotics, two steroid injections, and several boxes of Kleenexes later...I survived. Battle fatigued, but breathing. That's the good news!

But the general ledger must always balance (yes, I was an accounting major my first two years of college...but that's another story). For every credit, there must be a debit of equal amount. You take the bad with the good.

The chronic illness, the strong antibiotics, and the steroids have taken a toll on my diabetes. My blood sugar has grown increasingly more difficult to control. I could see my non-insulin status slipping away right before my eyes. Wait just a minute...what is going on here? I have worked very hard these past 2 years to control my diabetes with Victoza and diet, lost 60+ pounds, etc. Picture of compliance. Strong. Capable. Disciplined.

Yesterday, an episode of blurred vision and dizziness accompanied by a sudden and significantly elevated blood sugar took me to the ER. Insulin-dependent. Words I always hoped wouldn't - and never dreamed would - be used to describe me. Big dose of reality...human strength is indeed fragile.

With God's repeated "fragile" message ringing in my ears, I now see how he's been preparing me for His discipline. He's shown me in these past few weeks and especially in these past two days just how prideful I have been. How much I have leaned on my own understanding - not only in my struggle against my diagnosis, but in all the ways that I rely on my own strength. He knocked the wind out of me. Literally.

Today, He has given me peace that He is in control of my uncontrolled diabetes. Like Paul (in II Corinthians 12), "He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.' For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Did you know that "oxymoron" is derived from the Greek "oxus" (sharp) and "moros" (stupid)? LOL! Describes me perfectly!!